I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
