I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
