Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Randomize
