Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
And then he peed in my hair
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