I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
