before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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