my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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