sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
