You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
