she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Yo dont text me then not text me
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
