I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Just pee around me
the liver wants what the liver wants
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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