Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
