i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
