Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
