a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
