you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
