After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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