You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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