There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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