P.S. I can't hear my feet
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
