Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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