what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize