actually, I'm a sock model
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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