Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Randomize
