A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
