I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
