He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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