I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
