i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
