Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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