I want to walk on stilts...naked
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
