you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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