david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
