Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize