I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
