Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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