just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
i dont even know how to be here
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
