im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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