the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
