My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize