"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
