Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Dear god my vagina.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
