I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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