Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
