We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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