I don't usually arrange sex via text message
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
