Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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