This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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