I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
