I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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