and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
