My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
