you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
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