I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
