I think I won the penis lottery.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
