So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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