I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I want to be your penis for a week.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
