I just saw a hot homeless man
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
