My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
