can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
