Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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