i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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