He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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