I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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